recognizing chasing patterns
- ary m
- Feb 26, 2021
- 6 min read
Updated: Mar 26, 2021
I've been reading this book slowly, on and off, for about a year now called 'The Sum of my Parts'. It's about a woman who was diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder and how her brain compartmentalized and "locked doors" from trauma she faced in her childhood, so that she never had to open them. It was a survival mechanism.
I'm more than halfway with the book done now and as I was reading, something she experienced and spoke about called out to me. "Well, I can see how I have a shadow in the form of nightmares and thoughts. I can see how I've been running from them all my life- how all the activities, all the jobs and schooling helped me avoid the thoughts and nightmares I've had for years." She continues on "How I've spent so much of my life trying to get respect and power... I think that's why I'm in the position I am now [a prominent lawyer]. It proves I'm good, I'm smart and deserve respect."
This revelation she had about herself made me pause and reflect, as I've had similar revelations in recent times about my current and prior habits of chasing things outside of myself to fulfill and run away from some kind of shadow or traumas that were hard for me to face inside of myself.
The first encounter I can remember that I've had with chasing was with success when I was in eighth grade. The classmates in my grade had a mutual bond formed around the idea of torturing me. From physical bullying to cyber-bullying, I was called names on all ends and silenced for speaking up. When I went to my guidance counselor for support and accommodation she said to me "Nobody here really likes you. If I were you, I would have killed myself." Hard to digest and face inside of myself, I looked to an unhealthy mechanism that saved me through the year, a mentality that beckoned me to chase success. Raised in a family where success felt synonymous to love, I maintained this belief: If they won't treat me right, I'll show them.
Intrinsically, I began to place my worth on my schoolwork and became a perfectionist in the process. I left middle school with all A's, although I had always been an A & B student. This mentality has even followed me into my adult life, years into the future, and I only realized it recently, after again, getting treated poorly by friends. Except this time, I opted to get my doctorate. Not for the reason of wanting one, but for the reason that I would show the people in my life who wronged me that I had risen above them, and for future people in my life, that I would continue to rise above them once they 'inevitably' wronged me. I'd come back to this mechanism of chasing success several times throughout my life.
My chasing mechanisms didn't stop at success, but found their way into another aspect of my life: love. When I went into high school, I fell in love for the first time with a girl a few years older. What started as healthy love, quickly turned to dealing with shame from my partner and internalized homophobia within ourselves. After her decision to choose to be in a relationship with a guy in her grade over me, I had issues with whether or not I was capable of being loved.
That same year, I came out and had a poor experience. Feeling as though nobody would love me, for reasons that were their own and because of my sexuality, I felt that I had to chase love. When the only people whose opinions I cared about, my family's, was in denial and outrage over my coming out, I was in personal shock and adopted the mindset that I would never really ever be loved because it was all conditional (should specify- it has since changed).
A mindset that has enabled me to chase after people who are not good for me, and intrinsically keep myself in the mindset that I do not deserve love. It has been a form of deep-rooted self-sabotage. My mind made associations that because I was treated poorly in all regards, in family, friendships, and relationships, that I just didn't deserve love and it just wasn't possible for me.
At 17 years old, I entered University. Facing all of these factors, I told myself that once I was away from anybody who associated with me, I could start fresh. On the contrary, my worth had dwindled as I wasn't gaining love or acceptance in any social areas because of things out of my control. I couldn't run away from my problems- they followed after me.
At the start of college, feeling hopeful that I had gotten away from all of the things that plagued me, I quickly found myself in a codependent friendship suffering from abuse and manipulation at the hands of a friend that I trusted. The friendship lasted for nearly 2 years and in the process, sabotaged all aspects of my life; family, friends, school, work, and romantic relationships. What once was internal self-sabotage, put me into the hands of someone who would sabotage things for me. My staying was still self-sabotage.
While in this toxic friendship and deeply unhappy, I was pushed into trying drugs. I spanned drugs in virtually all areas ranging along the spectrum and found myself abusing drugs for over a year. Once I was off of a drug, I was on the chase and searching to try it again. After a few horrible experiences, I was able to tell myself that I needed to quit.
Through a miracle, I was able to end those toxic friendships and recognize that I was in poor situations that eventually had stemmed from low self-esteem that I had accumulated. After listening to a podcast that someone at work recommended recently, I realized that the speaker had similar experiences, but that he had found real, healthy love. It gave me hope and through his experience, he claimed that love was the one thing he didn't have to chase.
The truth is that it doesn't really matter what I'm chasing. It's all in an attempt to save me from myself. I think the thing that I realized the most, is that I was always chasing for a certain period in my life where I could be happy. Whether it was chasing success to chase love to find happiness, or chasing substances to find happiness, it all really came down to the same thing. The true underlying cause between all of my chasing was because I had problems with finding happiness and allowing myself to feel this way. I've realized now that my happiness isn't determined by things outside of me, but by me, myself. Because the thing about chasing is that it isn't just a few specific things that are being chased, but the underlying reason why you are chasing: because you are unhappy with yourself. That is something that is in your control.
To another point, I think that social media almost made these chasing mechanisms worse. Having people on my social media that have treated me poorly, made me only put more pressure on myself to be someone I'm not, be more of a perfectionist, try to put myself into a box, and just outright avoid healing. But I guess this is a whole other topic to dissect some time.
While I'm working on breaking away from these chasing mechanisms, I am realizing that this is a slow and steady process and it's going to take some time for me to realize that I am worthy of love despite the situations I have been in and actions I have made. I also have to remain strong and face my shadow, openly, unapologetically, and with unconditional love, acceptance, and open-mindedness. Every day is a learning curve and every day certainly isn't easy, but recognizing my patterns are helping me understand, forgive, and most importantly, love myself every day. Life feels more beautiful when you start to accept the things that are inside of you and when you realize that you are not what you've done and you are not what's happened to you. You are a human being. We all just are. And we are each worthy of love.
a video edit I made of day-to-day experiences within the past month
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